She Who Wields the Pen: Beholder of the Poles and Everything in Between

Call Me: Elendarin, a favored pen name, Elen, the short form people love, or Jessie, my first name; whichever is fine.

Daddy-O was Shootin’: X’s

I was Surgically Removed from My Mother on: November 30th, 1994

My Psyche was Molded by the Kerfuckery of: St. Louis, Missouri

Where I Currently Chance My Own Sanity: San Antonio, Texas

I Have Been in the Ninth Circle of Hell for: Seven Years

Outside of Being Psychologically Shattered, I’m a: Full Time Student at UTSA

I am a Student Masochist Pursuing a: Bachelor of Arts in Psych with a Clinical Focus

For Fun, I Like to: Write, follow professional baseball [St. Louis Cardinals FTW~! And the NY Yankmees and Cincinatti Reds can eat it], study foreign languages 「日本語!¡Español! Русский! Nederlands! 」, do random ass research on infection disease, swear a shit ton, smoke cigarettes, research meds to know what the hell they’re going to try to put me on next…and just for fun, watch anime and read manga, play D&D/Path Finder [YES, I AM A HUGE FUCKING NERD], listen to music, play the piano when I have the opportunity

The Crazies They’ve Called Me [with Fun Explanations!]:

  • ADHD—”Ooo, shiny, let’s go see what it is!” Disorder
  • Rapid Cyling Bipolar I w/ psychotic features—”I’m going to make you incredibly happy, sad, horny, irate, sociable, twitchy, reckless, sleepless, productive as all hell, or nonfunctional for a specific reason, maybe ALL at once, because fuck you, that’s why. OH! And NOW, you may hallucinate and nope out of reality for a few days whenever the fuck I say so, because once again, fuck you, that’s why,” Disorder
  • Conversion Disorder/Functional Neurological Disorder—”Fuck You in whatever way I so choose at the time, at various different times, with various different triggers, Central Nervous System/Peripheral Nervous System” Disorder
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder—”Worry about ALL the things! Ever! Right fucking now!” Disorder
  • Borderline Personality Disorder— “You suck at emotions, react with irrational anger at insignificant triggers, mimic bipolar ultradian cycling, come with impulsive behavior, and cause you to either idolize or absolutely despise your loved ones and friends at any given time” Disorder.
  • Emetophobia— “When you or anyone else throws up, appears/feels like they’re going to throw up, even coughs and makes a sound like they may throw up, or you’re in an environment in which someone may throw up, you freak out and potentially have a panic/anxiety attack” Disorder.

Despite My Diagnoses: 

They do not define me as a person. I am not “bipolar”. I am not “borderline”. I am not “ADHD”. I am a bipolar patient. I was diagnosed borderline. I was diagnosed or have ADHD. I have an anxiety disorder [technically two]. I have Conversion Disorder/FND/whatever the fuck you want to call it.

I am not my diagnoses. I am not what the media and Hollywood often inaccurately portray. They are not labels. They are tools to find the treatment that best fits my needs as a patient.

And They Currently Have Me On [with a Few More Fun Explanations; Yay!]:

  • Welbutrin HCL XL, 150mg—A DRI; ALL the dopamine! For a bipolar patient? Why? …Because fuck you, that’s why? Hell if I know. .__. Better than an SSRI. >-> Was taken off of this August 2017. Concerned it caused mood cycling with dopamine. Why does dopamine betray me?
  • Adderall XR, 15mg 20mg—NDRI [I believe]; more dopamine! And maybe some norepinephrine! Woo! A necessary evil. Monitored pretty closely though given the dopamine in relation to bipolar disorder. Taken off in November 2017. I miss it. It worked well, but questioning ADHD diagnosis. Need sleep study. Fuck ADHD
  • Klonopin, 1.5mg; .5mg in the morning and 1mg at night .5 mg daily—Severe somatatory anxiety. Cruel irony, really. Nausea. Dropped 40lbs in 1.5 months because my body said “fuck you and your food.” Also was told it treats some of the symptoms of Conversion Disorder. I was weaning off before I was throat punched by a bad episode. Upped to 2mg; big-fat-fucking-NOPE. Worst three weeks of depressive, suicidal hell ever; too high of a dosage of benzos=bad times for Jessie/Elen. 

  • Lithium Carbonate, 300 mg x2 daily— This shit is fucking me up… hard… I’m still on it, but moar psychosis, mania, moar ultradian cycling, likely contributed to Conversion Disorder episode. Get me the fuck off of this shit. Got the fuck off this shit. It was awful. Never again.
  • Depaktote, currently at 500mg [250mg x2 daily]—New mood stabilizer in place of Lamictal. My bipolar diagnosis was indeed changed, and it was decided that I needed a stronger mood stabilizer. I’m currently being titrated off of the Lamictal and onto the Depakote. I move up to 500mg x2 daily after a month. Tried this shit; made me 1000x more angry and just more an an asshole in general.
  • Lamictal, 400mg—Stabilizes my shit; considered the miracle drug for BPII, which was what I was diagnosed at the time. Induced wicked ultradian cycling at 200mg though. Going back to it though! Yay for familiarity! And bumped up! …Not sure how that’s working yet. I was betrayed and had a Steven-Johnson’s Syndrome-esque reaction… after two years… So off this shit cold turkey. Fuck.
  • Topamax, 150mgAlso called Dopamax because a. it turns you into a goddamn moron, and b. it knocks you the fuck out [well, not me; interacted with the Lamictal and woke me up initially and with dose titriation. Otherwise, yes]. Tried Abilify to curbed the ultradian cycling, not wanting to get off Lamictal given my medication sensitivity. NOPE. Four doses, two 2.5mg and two 5mg induced two weeks of dissociative mental breakdowns and auditory hallucinations with the return of self-injurious behaviors after being clean for two years. Not allowed to take anti-psychotics anymore. Off this. Redundant in Lamictal + Topamax. …Apparently, a “shitty mood stabilizer” despite having worked for me for two years.
  • Seroquel, 100 mg—Another atypical antipsychotic, because fuck me that’s why. Trying this in addition to my familiar friend, Lamictal. It worked, so we went back to it, but with BPI, we need a bit more. …Not looking forward to this sedating little fucker. Let’s see how this goes. Couldn’t do it because I’m a giant bitch. The Abilify Incident has mildly traumatized me and, ergo, pushed me away from the idea from even atypical antipsychotics. >-> Updates to come on what we’ll try next. Tried it again in January 2018. Was fed up with the bullshit. Jesus Christ, does it work. Thank the Bipolar Gods for Seroquel. 
  • Adderall IR, 15mg—Instant release Adderall! \0/ … No. Dopamine-dumping a bipolar patient is a shitty idea. Do not want. 
  • Ritalin SR, 20mg—Another stimulant for ADHD. Nope. This shit sucks. Back to Adderall XR and bumping. Only switched because insurance only covered branded extended release Adderall. It’s expensive. But it works. FUCK IT. >_> Don’t like being a Ritalin zombie.
  • Risperidone, .5 mg x2 daily—I’m bad about taking this; I’m not good enough for my employers with it, but I’m not good enough for my mom without it. I risk my job either way because I bork with the psychotic features and bork on the meds cognitively. New med. Stopped taking it, shouldn’t do that. Need to start taking it again. …Someone talk some fucking sense into me. Plz. Yeah. Didn’t work. Too stoned to function. That was a bad.
  • Strattera, 10mg daily—Non-stimulant ADHD medNope. Mood cycling. Apparently, fucking with norepinephrine in my brain does a bad.

Oh joy for being my age and being on 50 million psych meds. .___.


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