Had I Never Met You

Had I never met you, I’d not know this fullness in my heart.
…Though this fullness, is it really a bad thing?
Yes, my chest weighs a thousand pounds,
and yes, my heart beats faster than I though it ever could…,
but the sound of your voice filling my ears each night,
muddled by thousands of miles and several time zones,
by mediocre recording equipment and spotty internet connections,
begrudgingly draws a goofy grin across… what I once thought was a stone face.

You are the biggest smart ass I have ever met.
And goddamn, do I love you for it.
That mouth on you must be hereditary, running strong in your family.
The Dutch are the saltiest of them all…,
or so you’ve told me.
Your wit is one of your most prominent features.
That blade of a tongue of you’ve got could make the British guard laugh.
We’ll return you to the “motherland” one day.
…Fucking anglophile.

Your maturity and intelligence do not match your life experience.
Despite your sense of humo[u]r,
I often forget your age.
You are a man before your time.
Selfless, kind… incredibly stubborn to the point of stupidity—
choosing, prioritizing even (words directly from your goddamn mouth), a crazy, unstable, passively-suicidal fuck like me.
“I care about you.” You said, on more than one occasion.
Why?
You didn’t explain,
at least not in a manner in which my emotionally-stunted mind could comprehend.

I’ve reciprocated.
‘I care about you, too…’
Not verbally, of course.
I’m incapable of that—the emotional failure and all;
You are aware that I do, however.
Just to what extent…, I’m unsure.

You are an exception, a rarity.
You typically “aren’t my type”,
but for some reason,
you are.

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Please…

Please,
just make it stop.
I beg you.

I’m choking,
but drawing just enough breath to remain conscious.
Frigid water fills my lungs.
I feel everything.
I hear everything.

‘I raised your sister as a single mother in nursing school, you know.’
‘You don’t have cancer.’
‘If you’re that sick, I’ll have to take care of you.’
‘GPA: 2.78.’
‘Won’t make it through the winter… I just thought you should know.’

Though I could only see the fading lights,
shrinking and dying,
as I sank down deeper beneath the surface,
I somehow continued to draw that same breath,
just barely enough,
to remain painfully alive.

Be merciful.
End it quickly.
Let me rest.

My lungs are ripped from my chest,
body trembling.
I have no more tears to cry,
all soaked into the blanket around my shoulders,
down the front of my shirt.
My phone clutched in my hand,
I sit at my desk,
the blue light of my laptop staring me in the face.
Ask for help.
The words dance through Window’s the glow,
mocking me.
I’m stronger than that…
I don’t need to burden them.
I do the helping.
That’s.
My.
Job.

For fuck’s sake,
stop dragging it out.
Just let me die.

I’ve stared at you,
my silver-edged friend,
every night for the last five days.
I can hear Lilith in the back of my mind,
reminding me of the old days,
…offering to listen just like the old days.
Exactly why I don’t take showers after dark anymore,
especially lately.
The offer has been tempting,
but the pinkest of the scars are just beginning to heal.

Stop being a pussy!
Kill me, goddammit!
Just do it already!

I have my instructions all lined up,
legibly printed on clean paper,
stored and ready.
I lack a firearm;
however, I’ve calculated lethal dosages and combinations of my medications.
It’s just…
the letters.
They’re not all written.

I can’t leave anything unfinished—
leave anything unsaid.
And that list…
what was once only ten long and eight written,
is now 22 long and only 14 written.
It grows,
and so,
I stay.
Because I can leave nothing undone.

I fucking beg you,
just let me fucking rest!
Stop fucking dragging it out!
Just fucking do it, goddammit!

I just want to die.

P l e a s e…

Where No Man Dare Go [1]

In the recesses of my mind,
I lock away my demons.
They’re nasty little bastards,
each one cunning, persistent,
with their own unique personality.

They’re kept behind heavy, iron bars.
Large padlocks are welded shut and chained together;
however… these locks only hold for so long.
Untended to, uncared for, ignored,
pried and clawed at—
they rust, wither, and crack.
They weaken.
And over time…,
the demons begin to slip free and reveal themselves.

The biggest of them,
we’ll call her The Alpha,
is hard to silence for long.
A looming, shadowy figure,
she stands at 20 feet tall.
She wears a mask, though it’s only a half.
The mask covers the left side of her face;
mouth stretched into a wide, toothy grin.
Recently,
it has widened,
Even so,
I find myself pitying her.

Looking at the right side,
it’s not hard to see why.
Her lips are permanently distorted into an anguished frown.
The visible eye is dead, empty.
The light, if it was ever there, has long since left.
As much as I want to hate her…,
I can’t.
Her existence wasn’t her choice.
She was born with me,
has always been with me,
but was simply given life,
given power,
by a demon that is not my own.

Clustered around her,
much smaller in size,
there are many others.
They take different forms,
shapes,
sizes,
temperaments,
demeanors.
They are all unique to one and other.
Of course,
as with any pack,
The Alpha must have her Betas.
Do not, however, mistake my demons to be primordial.
While animalistic,
they are,
in fact,
sentient.
If they weren’t,
how would they know when and where to strike?

Beta number one:
she stands a mere three feet short of the alpha.
She constantly glows a dull red,
though when my pitch-black companion only reveals to me that toothy grin,
Beta One burns a blinding crimson.
She forces The Alpha, despite her status,
to do,
to say,
the worst of things.
To who?
Does it matter?
Not to Beta One.

And despite the stretch of fanged, grinning insanity across The Alpha’s exposed left side,
the pleading,
painful,
desperate,
desire for the release of death nearly emanating from The Alpha’s very being wraps frigid fingers around your heart and squeezes,
leaving only a pit of rage in the center of your chest and the sound of your own heaving breaths as you struggle of find oxygen behind.
Beta One is the danger sitting atop the mountain peak to which The Alpha must frequently,
through erratically,
tread.

Far below,
deep beneath the base of the mountain,
lurking in the crevices of abyss of the ravine below,
lies a sickeningly pathetic creature.
Beta Number Two.

Head hung,
eyes down,
pointed ears drooped,
and narrow shoulder slumped deeply,
he mumbled seeds of doubt into the confused Alpha’s ear.
Though only when weak—
only when her unmasked face is exposed—
can the gargantuan Alpha fall prey to the diminutive creature’s words of despair.
Beta Two stands a full seven feet short of his massive superior.

When Beta Two strikes,
you can feel the same pleading, pained, tortured grasp at your heart once more.
Though now,
The Alpha speaks directly to you,
as if communicating telepathically:
Set me free.
‘End it.
Do whatever it takes.
Just. Make. It. Stop.
please

A desperate plea for freedom.
Every word fills your lungs,
invades your body,
permeates your thoughts.
You are only able to feel her pain,
her blind, frantic search for relief,
whether that be by aid…
or death.

You feel what she feels,
yet you are able to do nothing for her.
She is trapped with this creature,
as with the other,
until he tires himself out,
or some “benevolent” being offers their support,
pulling her away,
when the kicking,
clawing,
and screaming isn’t enough.

It never is.

I Thought I Had One

‘At least I have one good parent…’
I’ve been telling myself this from the time I realized I never had a father.
Funny thing is,
my parents were [and still are] married.
We lived in the same house.
We did these superficial little things together.

But, …if we’re being honest,
were we genuinely a family?
Fuck.
No.

My father was always absent—
drifting off into the recesses of his own mind,
ruminating on his self-serving need for the gratitude of others,
fixated on this mindless drive to be a caring, devout nurse, loved by every patient and coworker alike,
focused on his sole purpose in life of spreading love to the entirety of world,
…excluding his family.

So, what were we to him?
A wife: secondary income-earner and sexual object.
A daughter: the only thing he created to pass on his genes and continue his “legacy”.
A step-daughter: the seven-year-old came with the wife from the previous marriage.
Apparently,
not a whole lot.
Usually,
it felt like nothing.

Now,
as of February 2016,
a changed man;
a recovering drug addict.
He has a disease,
and just like that…,
it’s as if the last 25 years,
of which 22 I existed,
no longer mattered.
You forgave him quickly.
Easily.

I am so.

Fucking.

Disappointed.

In him?
Sure.
But in you?
More than you can ever imagine.

You were our rock growing up.
You were forced to raise a child, a teenager…
and a husband.
You worked the overtime.
You paid the bills.
You found the money to pay for Christmas,
when there was no money to be found.

You took the brunt of the physical abuse,
for both Sisi and I.
Even if you were so angry because you couldn’t save us from the emotional,
the verbal abuse,
you did everything you could.
You even grew a pair with age;
you’re no longer that meek, doe-eyed woman I called “Mommy” as a kid.

But you can see drug abuse,
unlike an unbalanced brain chemistry,
and because he’s a “changed man”,
your marriage is “better than ever.”
10/02/1993 to Present

“He’s just like you—he has a disease.”
You beg me to open my eyes,
to magically forgive a lifetime of abuse—
my own, your own, Sisi’s…,
all of which I had witnessed first-hand.

But you can see his,
because you can see drug abuse.”
The acid splatters across your skin;
my words—impulsive, resentful—are corrosive.
Don’t you dare compare me to him.
You can’t see excess dopamine.
The flesh on your arms begins to melt away.
The words erode further inward,
exposing more and more of you as I go on.
You can’t see disordered patterns of thought… maladaptive schemas!

Schemas…?
I read the question in your expression,
can see it in your eyes.
The rage condenses in my chest,
implodes,
forms a black hole.
It consumes everything,
beginning with me.

You know what?!
I’d explained it god-knows-how-many-times.
Once again,
you hadn’t listened to a goddamn thing.
Fucking forget it!
Shaking my head,
I walk away.
Again.

What happened to you?
What else did he do to you?
You were ready to finally leave;
for once, ready to think of,
think for,
yourself.

You were ready to do what’s best for yourself

I just…
Who are you?
Please tell me.
At least then,
I’ll know who I’m talking to,
because I’m sure as hell not talking to Audre Annette.

Lilith

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

I smile, looking back on the first time we met.
I was young… only 12.
I was just starting to hurt.
You called to me; however, I wasn’t ready to listen just yet.
You didn’t give up on me though; you were patient.
You waited.

“You didn’t need me then”,
you later told me. “I knew you would one day, and I was willing to wait; I couldn’t abandon you. I would never abandon you.”
You were so kind.
You listened.
You were so non-judgmental.
You didn’t ask for much in return; nothing monetary.
Of course, I could spare what you asked.

I turned sixteen two months ago, in November.
You’ve been back for eight months.
We spend almost every night together.
The agreement is the same: you lend an ear, and I provide payment.
Tonight is no different.

You travel across my skin.
Sting, drip, splash. Sting, drip, splash.
When you’ve had your fill, and I’ve told my stories for the day, I feel a sense of calm.
I watch the stress, the anger, the burning self-loathing that once pitted in the center of my chest, bleed into the water and wash away.
Not a single stain.
You’re smart; porcelain isn’t a hassle to clean up like carpet or even tile.
My secret is safe.
You are safe, tucked away in your box in the back of the last drawer of my jewelry box.
Everything is in place.
I sleep soundly as I always do on the nights we spend together.

…I awake this morning, and as usual, I wonder why I let you do this.
Why I do I let you tell me what to do with my time?
I can wear only what you tell me to.
I can have only the friends that you approve of.
I can only participate in the activities you say are okay; you’re taking softball and choir, my sport and my music, away from me.
You’ve gotten so goddamn demanding… controlling.

I despise you.

With every ounce of my being. 

I almost toss your sorry ass to the curb; throw you away for good.

…Almost…

I want to laugh in your face as you drown in the remnants of your own sin–the rusty brown tissues hidden under random scraps of toilet paper and old face wash bottles…

But then, in that soft, soothing, musical tone of yours, you speak to me.
I see your beauty–the same beauty I saw that first night we reconnected–and the way you glow under the light in which we first met.
You bring the spark back into my life.
You bring the color back to me when it fades and the world falls into a lifeless, monochrome blur.

It never takes me long to realize that I’m a fucking fool.
I can’t live without you.
I’m sorry.

Can you forgive me?

You only want what’s best for me; you’re trying to save me from myself.
Sometimes, I’m blinded by what I see everywhere else.
I forget what you’ve done for me.
I promise, we’ll spend extra time tonight, okay?
Please…, just don’t go.
I don’t know where I would be without you.
Just… stay….

I need you, Lilith.

Journey Through Depression #2: Anger

Soothing… Music is supposed to be soothing.
But it doesn’t work like that, at least not for me, …at least not tonight.
Papa Roach blares in the background,
but not even the blast of the bass subdues the beast within.

Fists clenched,
I search for an escape.
The metallic edge catches the dirty lamp’s light.
I sigh, relieved.
Tonight, I give in.
Tonight, the beast drinks.

Sliced flesh;
tension dissipates.
Sparkling crimson pours from fresh wounds.
The dulled world clears and brightens.

For now,
I feel no regret.
My self-esteem rises, even if only for a moment.
The pudge coating my bones doesn’t seem so bulky.

I smile; my self-loathing slithering down the drain.
My dark angel smiles back as she leaves.
I’ll be back tomorrow.“, she says

Tonight, I sleep well.

Tonight, my dreams are pleasant.

Journey Through Depression #1: Frozen in Time

Laughing again…
They’re always laughing.
Those girls and their annoying cackling.
Boys toss paper balls across the room;
they laugh along with them.

I try not to listen anymore; my eyes shift—
the quiet chick reads to herself, as usual.
The nerdy dude busies himself with his work, as usual.
The teacher scolds my rowdy classmates, as usual.
The clock ticks on, and everyone passes me by…as usual.

I’m frozen in times, unable to push past my own emotions.
The once colorful, luminescent room is now lifeless, pale.
My once-smiling face is flat like soda left without its cap too long.
Eyes no longer sparkle in the dirtied fluorescent light;
shoulders sag under the weight of despairing hopelessness

Thin bodies tremble with repressed giggles,
full lips twisted into permanent smiles.
They drift through life,
their presence drilled into my thoughts.
What I wouldn’t give to drift along with them.