Happy Anniversary, Love

You mean the world to me, and you are the best thing to have ever stumbled into my life

If I could go back to October of last year and change anything, it would only be that you met me in a better place than that I was in.

Otherwise, everything would remain the same.

I’ve told you a thousand times, and I’ll tell you a hundred thousand more—your existence has undoubtedly saved my life.

You’ve done one thing that nothing else on this Earth has ever done: You’ve shown me a future that I’m still a part of.

I’m not shitting you when I say nothing, either.

For the first time in years, there are times where I can wake up and think, “I’d like to live, kthx.” Not just, “Eh… whatever,” but actual desire to live.

Even when I struggle, still wishing I wouldn’t, I wake up with the thought that I have something—someone—to fight for, to look for, to look forward to being with.

For the first time in a long time, I can say that I’ve been truly happy.

Even when I’m borking out, manic or depressive, getting fucked without lube by new meds, CD episodes clusterfucking my CNS, I am still truly happy. Because of you.

You make me smile, laugh, speak, when I don’t think I can.

Last night, when Lorrie and Sunna were making a break for the window… or rather, Lorrie made it and Sunna was trying, I smiled.

Listening to you bitch them out in Dutch lessened the pressure in my chest and slowed my heart rate enough to keep my primary from throwing heart meds at me. It eased the anxiety/manic fuckery. It always does.

You taught me my first Dutch phrases, those that I could pronounce correctly even. You continue to teach me Dutch despite English being your first preference.  You answer my questions, laugh at the stupid shit Duolingo does (that likely isn’t funny, but I find hilarious).

You re-introduced me to my steam account, reminded me that video games are a distraction/relaxation method. You also introduced me to the other Eurofags. Those that were once “your friends”, became “our friends.”

Potet-o, Adam, Cait, Kat, Steven, Mandy, Matt, Niles, Raz, Tuci, Andy, Doge, Erkie (despite wanting to bitch-slap him half the time). I could go on…, but I’m a lazy fuck. 😀

You taught me how to mod, too. Sure, I had the management experience from Taco “Fuck That Place” Cabana, but there are a few skills that apply to online management-type shit that I didn’t have. I learned to be Hitler when necessary…, which is necessary more often than I initially thought. Wielding dat banhammer.

When you fell asleep last night, and I tabbed back over to Discord, I… wanted to cry when I saw you sleeping. A tad bit because I wish I were there, sleeping beside you, but primarily because… I don’t know how to explain it (I’m bad at emotions; you know that). It wasn’t out of sadness though. Happiness. Comfort, maybe? Seeing someone sleep, sleeping beside them, is seeing them, being with them, in one of their most vulnerable states. And I get to see that of you, as you do me.

Never have I been so attached to someone. Not even Danika. Never has six hours without someone’s presence been so excruciatingly painful. Never has a single person been enough to motivate me to change myself for the better. Never has anyone incited sexual attraction, made a sex drive an issue. Never has anyone motivated me to learn another language so intensely, instilled a strong desire to immigrate to a specific country just to be with them.

…Until I Met You, Anyway…

From the moment I met you, I was attracted to you.

Your personality, your morality, your sense of humor, your open-mindedness, your stubbornness, your willingness to take others as they are, your tendency to help others while shoving your own issues aside, your introspective ability (that does get you into trouble with yourself sometimes).

Then I saw your face.

And I fell even more in love with you.

I can’t forget the first time I saw you smile—the way your eyes smiled, too, sparkling under the glow of your monitors.

I can’t forget the first time I saw you laugh. I swear the sound carried across the Atlantic and drifted directly to my tiny student apartment.

I can’t forget the first time… you watched me fall apart. You stopped and picked up the pieces, ensuring that not a single sliver was left behind, before helping me force them back into (roughly) the same place.

“You picked up every shard of a broken woman…., and took every fragmented piece of her for who she was.”

And each time those pieces shattered further, you stopped to pick up the remains. You refuse to give up on those pieces, believing they’ll one day form a whole person again.

I’m so sorry for the venom, the tears, the caustic words spit in a biochemical whirlwind.
I’m sorry for being so much to handle at times,
for breaking so often,
for being so broken.
I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to hurt you.

Just know that I don’t mean it. That sometimes, it comes out of the shitstorm that is my brain chemistry. That sometimes, I want to talk about something, but it just comes out in the wrong way, at the wrong time.

I make no excuses for my behavior…, but I acknowledge that my fragile psyche makes these things more likely to occur.

Ik hou zo veel van jou, mijn Nederlandse beertje.
Zo, zo veel.
Je bent mijn stralende licht in de duisternis.
Je altijd was,
en je zult altijd zijn.

(I tried; it’s intelligible, but wrong still. ._.’)

I know I don’t say any of this enough, and I’m sorry for that, too. Just know that it’s true.

~Je Kleine Vogeltje

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20/10/2016

A year ago today,
you coloured my world with your laughter.
You painted my soul a vibrant shade of red.
You scribbled in smiles, penciled in genuine happiness.
A year ago today,
you changed my life.

A year ago today,
you stole my heart,
refusing to give it back.
Though in return,
you gave me your’s.
No returns, love.
A year ago today,
you gave me life.

A year ago today,
you reshaped my shattered pieces,
gave them human form.
You painstakingly washed the blood and tears away,
then meticulously slid them into place.
A year ago today,
you gave me hope.

A year ago today,
I found my one in seven billion.
I met a man who saw in me what others did not—potential.
Your words lift my spirits.
Your smile brightens my world.
Your presence keeps my heart beating.
A year ago today,
you saved my life.

Thank You

Thank you for finding the strength in my weakness.
Where I can only hate myself,
you fight to reinforce my worth.

Thank you for struggling through my stubborn self-loathing.
When I can only make myself bleed,
you find bandages to bind the wounds.

Thank you for picking me up when I stumble and fall.
Where I fail to stand and move ahead,
you’re there to catch and nudge me forward.

Thank you for listening, even when I struggle to speak.
When I’ve lost my voice,
you sort through my tangled thoughts to find the message.

Thank you for being patient enough to out-stubborn me.
Where I refuse to speak,
you ask until you can drag it out of me…even when it takes hours.

Thank you for guiding me.
When others have left me in the dark,
you became my shining light.

Thank you for taking every fragmented piece of me for what it is.
Where others let the shards of my psyche fall away,
you stopped to pick them up.

Thank you for being you without falter.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

Sunrise

Just as she accepted the warmth of the sun,
it set,
and she was left in the shadow of night.
Again.
She was alone,
but she always had been.
She merely deluded herself into thinking she wasn’t.

Left mute,
she could not call for help.
Left blind,
she could not seek out the flickers of light in the distance.
Left deafened,
she could not follow the calls of those naive enough to think she could be pieced back together.

Her companions were the demons that plagued her existence.
She could only stumble toward the whispers of the ghosts of her past,
drawing her deeper into the abyss.
She could only clamor after their lingering glow,
hoping to find her way out.
She would find her way out—by whatever means necessary.

She didn’t expect to see the next sunrise.
The sunrise was such a rare occurrence to begin with.

…Maybe… it was simply time for her to go.

…Maybe… the sun would rise more often in the next life.

…Maybe… she could find peace in the next life.

…Maybe… she could find herself again in the next life.

…Maybe… that was exactly where she belonged—in the next life.

Ten Days

Sixty-one days ago,
there was an explosion of excitement.
It stretched clear across the Atlantic from the US to the Netherlands.
It hasn’t waned.

Now,
in just ten days,
there will be another explosion of excitement.
This time,
we will be face-to-face.

I still remember the first time I saw your eyes light up,
catch the glow of your monitors and sparkle with amusement.
You were far too pleased with yourself,
watching me blush as you took advantage of the inner foreign language nerd.
Bastard (I know, I know; not born out of wedlock).

I still remember the first time I saw you laugh at the squeak and following, “Fuck off.”
You almost died.
…Though you did, and still do, generally do it to make me happy,
don’t lie and say it isn’t for your own amusement, too.

I still remember the first time I watched you squeak and swear with a gentle murmur of your first name,
a snap comment,
and a shit-eating grin on my face.
Though I, too, do it mostly because I love you,
I admit I find it highly amusing.

…I still remember the first time I saw you look at yourself and tear yourself to pieces.
I still remember the literal pain I felt as you simultaneously tore me apart,
stripping away every one of your strengths,
leaving behind only imperfections.

I still remember the first time I saw you roll your eyes at me as I did the same—
parsing the strengths from flaws,
tossing the strengths aside,
the mountain of failures, and imperfections remaining.
I still remember the first time I actually watched you call me a hypocrite,
spitting back that goddamn psych fact on perception.

We’re still a couple of hypocrites,
for multiple reasons.

No screens this time.

In ten days,
I will physically touch you,
tackle you to the ground in the middle of a busy airport,
kiss you,
and laugh as D yells, “FIFTY SHADES OF GAAAY,” so loud your family hears it back home.

In ten days,
I will drag your jet-lagged ass back to the car,
hand you an energy drink,
and grin.
“Wake up, klootzak. GMT -5. Only 14:00. We have shit to do.”

In ten days,
your American adventures will begin.

Buckle up, bitch.
D and I are driving—
you’re in for one hell of a ride.

Ik hou heel veel han jou, beertje.
I’ll see you soon. 

What Do You See Now?

What do you see in me?
Think about it.
Root it deep into your mind.
Have it?
Good.

Keep that in mind as I ask you this:

What do you see in me as I see what is not there?
As I watch objects morph into the unimaginable?
As I see people, auras, creatures…, monsters… slink around you,
genuinely frightened for your safety,
often unaware that these things are not truly there?

What do you see in me as I hear the sounds of the skeletons in my psyche’s closet?
The growls, groans, screeches of demons?
The banging of the fists of the abominations trapped inside my closet—my mind?
As I’m hunched over my desk,
hands over my ears,
tears in my eyes,
desperate to just make it fucking stop?

What do you see in me as I stumble through those days detached from our world,
entangled in the gnarled woodwork of my own?
As I glide hazy-eyed, affectless, with an inflectionless tone that typically carries more peaks and valleys than my mood cycles?
As I give laconic answers?
Or disjointed pieces of sentences being forced together from different puzzles entirely?

What will you see in me when I don’t remember any interaction we had during those days?
When I only see where the pages have been torn from the book of my life?
When I’m aware that those days happened, but have no written pages as to what exactly?
When I have only photographic glimpses from the damaged film of my eyes’ camera?

What do you see in me when you hear the word, “antipsychotics?”
Do you think, “Psycho,” “Crazy bitch,” “Nut job?”
Or do you pity me?
‘Poor thing…,’ ‘To have to go through that…,’ ‘She’s so young…’?
Can you sympathize,
being one of the poor bastards having experienced the same thing,
your opinion likely unchanging?
Or, lacking similar experience, do you think nothing different,
whether it be positive or negative?

I can almost guarantee it isn’t option three.

If you somehow find out,
and it is,
…thank you…

Guardian Angel

My guardian angel isn’t in heaven.
She isn’t dead,
nor has she ever been dead.
She is very much alive,
and she lives about 15 minutes from me.
…Barring traffic doesn’t suck…

She doesn’t wear white robes garnished with golden sashes.
She doesn’t have glowing feathered wings.
Her hair is not white blonde hair, her skin not pale porcelain, nor her eyes a shimmering blue.
She wears torn jean shorts and printed t-shirts.
On rare occasions,
a pantsuit, but only when absolutely necessary.
Her hair is ashen brown and her eyes the color of milk chocolate; her skin has seen the sun during each season but bears no evidence of burn.

Hell, she wouldn’t get into heaven given the bible’s stringent rules if either of us believed in that,
which is bullshit.

My guardian angel is a 22-year-old college graduate with a business degree.
She’s a goddamn weeb,
she swears a metric fuckton,
she games,
and she works her ass off
…even for the assholes that don’t deserve it.

She is a mama bear.
Don’t dick with her cubs [read: her close friends].
You’re asking to get rekt.
(Seriously, don’t do that; I’ve seen the outcome.)
She’s a protector,
a giver,
a lover,
but also a fighter.
That last one is important.
Don’t forget that shit.
A grave mistake you will make.

Above all else,
she is my best friend.
If I could be half the person she is,
accomplish half of what she has at our age,
I’d like myself a hell of a lot more.

I love you, dude (#NoHomo ;D).
My dear Pseudo-Homo,
I owe you so much more than some stupid poem,
but I suppose…,
it’s a start.