just make it stop.
I beg you.
but drawing just enough breath to remain conscious.
Frigid water fills my lungs.
I feel everything.
I hear everything.
‘I raised your sister as a single mother in nursing school, you know.’
‘You don’t have cancer.’
‘If you’re that sick, I’ll have to take care of you.’
‘Won’t make it through the winter… I just thought you should know.’
Though I could only see the fading lights,
shrinking and dying,
as I sank down deeper beneath the surface,
I somehow continued to draw that same breath,
just barely enough,
to remain painfully alive.
End it quickly.
Let me rest.
My lungs are ripped from my chest,
I have no more tears to cry,
all soaked into the blanket around my shoulders,
down the front of my shirt.
My phone clutched in my hand,
I sit at my desk,
the blue light of my laptop staring me in the face.
‘Ask for help.’
The words dance through Window’s the glow,
I’m stronger than that…
I don’t need to burden them.
I do the helping.
For fuck’s sake,
stop dragging it out.
Just let me die.
I’ve stared at you,
my silver-edged friend,
every night for the last five days.
I can hear Lilith in the back of my mind,
reminding me of the old days,
…offering to listen just like the old days.
Exactly why I don’t take showers after dark anymore,
The offer has been tempting,
but the pinkest of the scars are just beginning to heal.
Stop being a pussy!
Kill me, goddammit!
Just do it already!
I have my instructions all lined up,
legibly printed on clean paper,
stored and ready.
I lack a firearm;
however, I’ve calculated lethal dosages and combinations of my medications.
They’re not all written.
I can’t leave anything unfinished—
leave anything unsaid.
And that list…
what was once only ten long and eight written,
is now 22 long and only 14 written.
Because I can leave nothing undone.
I fucking beg you,
just let me fucking rest!
Stop fucking dragging it out!
Just fucking do it, goddammit!
I just want to die.
…P l e a s e…